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You write such pretty words
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| My Morning |
[14 Jul 2005|11:59am] |
“Wow” I said aloud as I looked at the clock, it read 8:07. This was the earliest I’ve woken up since school ended. I rolled over and fell off my bed. Wrapped in a cocoon of sheets I just laid there. The Sun beamed into the room casting shadows of my furniture over me. Then my little sister opened the door, only my head was in the way. “OWE!” I yelled clenching my head. “Oh sorry Nat!” April said. She didn’t seem sorry. “Yeah ok, what do you want?” I asked as I dug myself further into my cocoon. “Well, I was wondering…” She stopped, I waited, She didn’t say anything. I was mad now, First she slams my head into the door, then she doesn’t have a reason for it! “WHAT!” I screamed. April stammered back a couple steps “Geez,” She said stepping forward. “I was just gonna ask if you could make waffles for me.” “Ughhh, Fine, just leave” I managed to get out. I moved my head this time as she closed the door behind her. I pulled myself out of my sheet cocoon.
I looked in the mirror and shook my hands in my hair. As I got up I stubbed my toe on My bed post. “OHHHHHH SHITTT!!” I screamed grabbing my toe and falling on my bed. My toe started to throb, I placed my hand on my head. “Today isn’t my day” I said looking at the ceiling.
I Carefully walked into my kitchen. April was sitting on the counter swinging her legs back and forth. “Why did you scream a curse?” She asked me. “Um, I stubbed my toe.” I responded. She laughed “Oh yeah, Its Hilarious! HA HA HA!” I said sarcastically. She looked down at the floor tiles. So did I, noticing how dirty it was, I really need to take up mopping.
“So waffles?” I asked April. “Yeah!” she said throwing her arms in the air. She jumped down from the counter. “I’ll be on the computer, call me when they are ready!” She said happily, and she skipped down the stairs.
“Ok, waffles, waffles, waffles.” I said looking in the cabinets for the waffle mix. “Ah ha!” I said as a grabbed the box. As I pulled in down the top came off, waffle mix poured all over me. “Ohh My Gosh! Fuck! AHHH!!” I screamed. “THAT’S IT I QUITE! APRIL I’m NO LONGER MAKING YOU WAFFLES!” I stormed into the bathroom to take a shower. I looked in the mirror. “Nope, today is definitely not my day.” I said turning the shower on.
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| Taco Bell encounter |
[06 Jul 2005|11:05am] |
alright before you read this, Know that this didnt actually happen. I just thought it up. I'm not sure, if i like it cause i doubt this would ever happen..but hey...you never know.
My hair is getting longer, didn’t I just get it cut? I thought to myself while staring down at my hair online at Taco bell . My focus shifted from my hair to my shoes as I noticed I was 1 inch away from stepping in a giant wad of purple gum. I stepped back a couple steps and bumped into someone.
“Oh, I’m so sorry.” I said turning around. I froze. There standing in front of me was one of the hottest guys I’ve seen. He stood there smiling, He laughed and said “Its ok, really.” He stuck out his hand and said “My names Ian, and yours is?” I stuck out my hand and slowly placed it in his, a surge of heat, I guess you could call it, consumed my body and I felt my cheeks go red. “I’m Natalie, nice you meet you.” I was able to make out. We shook hands but didn’t seem to let go right away.
As our hands wondered to our coat pockets Ian said “Are you, um here with anyone?” He sounded just as nervous as I felt. I thought for a second. I Was at the mall alone, what if he was a rapist or something? I looked up in to his deep brown eyes, and I got a feeling that he wasn’t, that I could trust him…So I did. “Yeah,” I said “I’m here to get my friend a birthday present, What about you?”
He didn’t answer right away either, I wondered if he was thinking what I was just thinking 10 seconds ago. He looked me in the eyes and said “I’m here by myself too, I was waiting for a friend, but he just called and said he couldn’t make it.” “209, order 209” the guy working at Taco bell shouted. “Oh that’s me.” I said picking up my tray. I was starting to walk away when Ian yelled “Hey, you wanna” he paused “Um…maybe eat together.” I was so happy, I felt like jumping up and down. “Yeah, I’ll find us a table.” I said calmly.
I sat down at a two person table in the corner of the food court. I sat down and slapped both my hands on my cheeks, they where burning. I gotta cool down, I thought to myself. I took off my coat, and fanned myself with my hands. When Ian saw me he walked over and sat down across from me. “Hey.” I said, I didn’t know what else to say. “Hey” he responded. There was a moment of acquired-ness when at the same time we both opened out tacos. He laughed at the coincidence, I just smiled, because he laughed. We didn’t talk most of the meal, I don’t think either of us knew what to say. Ian was so handsome, He had black hair which went over his right eye, deep brown eyes, and fair skin. I looked around at all the people eating, all their shopping bags over flowing with clothes, I looked down at my cell phone it was 7:00 “Oh” I said out loud oh no I thought to myself…I broke the silence. I looked over at Ian who was already looking at me. He quickly looked down at his empty tray. I blushed, he was so cute. “Um, I should get going, I have to get my friend a present and she’s really hard to shop for.” I said standing up. Ian stood up too. “You wouldn’t mind if I um.” he paused unsure weather to finish. Finally he built up the courage. “If I tagged along with you, cause my friend didn’t show so I’m here till 8:30.” “Wow,” I said “so am I, and uh sure I wouldn’t mind at all.” I sigh of relief swiped over his face. We picked up our trays put them on the trash can and walked out of the food court. Our arms swinging by our sides, our hands touched, and stayed. Ian was holding my hand.
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| Perfection isnt everything |
[03 Jul 2005|12:58pm] |
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No, its not at all how I expected things to turn out, I thought to myself as I was brushing my teeth. Everyone seemed to be doing great. Autumns and mines friendship had never been stronger, and Jason was more then I could ever ask for. The foaming tooth paste slid down the corners of my lips. As I whipped the foam away with a near by wash cloth, I caught my eye in the mirror. “Pathetic” I said aloud to myself. I shook my head as I walked across the hall to my room. I began to pick up my cloths when I look up to see my whole body in front of the mirror. Ewe, I thought to myself. I stood there for a good three minutes before deciding to take a trip to the bathroom the trip seemed long, as regret filled my mind, and by the time I reached the toilet I had second thoughts, but my body wouldn’t let me turn away. I leaned over the toilet, and took a few deep breathes. The as quickly as I could I jabbed my pointer finger down my throat. Tears welled up in my eyes as I began to choke. I threw up the dinner my mother had so kindly made me. Feeling dizzy I fell to the floor. Sprawled out on the cold tile, spots swirled around me. A couple minutes later I gathered myself. Closed my eyes and flushed the toilet. Just like that my life was slowly going down the drain, I knew it, but I wouldn’t let myself believe it. I propped myself up against the sink. Looking up at my reflection, No better then it was before. Drooping purple bags under my eyes, puffy red eye and smeared eyeliner. This is what I became, in the making of what I thought was perfection.
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| Your not gonna like it |
[20 May 2005|08:26pm] |
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“This is such as awesome Show this guy is like stalking this girl and he thinks they are in love even though she’s never met him before!” Autumn said her voice dimming as she walked up the stairs. I laughed, not a fake laugh a real one I found it amusing how into a show she could get. I was sleeping over Autumns house her parents where at a party until two in the morning and her sister was at a school dance. “You know people piss me off so much!” Autumn announced coming down the stairs “Yeah but, people.” I paused “people are douches bags.” What I really wanted to say is how come we complain about people when we our selves are people….But I didn’t feel like getting into that conversation considering we where both in a crappy mood. “Its clearly impossible for people to see what they have right in front of them.” Autumn went on while sipping some cranberry juice. “You just wanna yell at them…HELLO I’m right here.” She said waving her arms in the air. “Yeah” I answered I looked down at the floor admiring each piece of carpet fuzz making up a sea of carpet. Its hard, I knew Autumn was talking about Jason, It was really hard for us both to like the same person. Not a day goes by when I don’t ask my self…and the world why things happen. Why do I have these feeling which should clearly belong to someone more deserving of them. Autumn liked Jason before I Did shouldn’t she get him? Not that I had him but he did like me. “TV?” Autumn asked. I was complexly lost at Carpet Sea and hadn’t noticed what she said. “Nat!” She yelled “whoa, what? Sorry, I’m coming.” I skittishly answered. “I don’t know why you get all upset I mean you have the guy.” Autumn said, assuming my lack of answering revolved around my sadness. “Umm, I don’t have him, nothing is going to happen.” I slowly answered. “Yeah ok whatever.” She said flipping through the channels.
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| A question to kill |
[17 May 2005|07:10pm] |
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“Question” Autumn asked me “what goes through your head when you make decisions?” I turned to her, and took a deep breath “I don’t know, I truly do not know.” Tears were now forming but I held back from crying “I don’t think I was thinking.” Autumn looked at me… Kyle was now completely out of the picture and Jason back in. What I did to Jason was horrible, and as much as I wish I didn’t do it, I had done it. Autumn walked over to her bed and flopped down, picking at her nails. “Nat, Nat, Nat I know you cant help who you like…but…” She laughed a little “You don’t even like him anymore.” I felt the color drain out of my face like wet paint down a wall. It took me several minutes to answer her. It was true, I didn’t like him anymore. You cant base a relationship upon how far your tongue can go down someone’s throat. Just thinking about kissing him makes me queasy. I took another deep breath “Your right, I feel like running face first in to on coming traffic. I Feel like complete Shit!” I turned to the mirror, the tears were now falling, leaving a trail of mascara behind them. “Awe, Natalie don’t cry time will heal everything.” Autumn said as she put her hand on my shoulder to comfort me. “yeah” was all I managed to get out. My head was spinning is desperation and all I wanted to die, slowly and painfully.
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| You Would Kill for this |
[25 Apr 2005|05:49pm] |
I got home and threw my backpack on the floor. “I hate this!” I screamed and kicked a pillow on the floor. I stood there for a second, a bit dazed the day had been a complete blur and I would have been better off if I completely forgot the whole thing. I turned on the radio
“You would Kill for this just a little Bit just a little bit.”
“Oh yeah, You would kill for this.” I said in sarcasm while looking in the mirror. I grabbed my eye liner and caked another layer on around my eyes. I tried to smile but I was dissatisfied with myself at that moment. What was there to hate? Everything was ok in my life no life threatening diseases, no family problems, just this guy. This guy who captivated me and this guy who seems to always be just out of reach, this guy who brought my hopes up so high and then let them loose like Bungee jumpers, I’m just barley dangling here . I stared to sing along with the song “Sing me something soft, Sad and delicate, Or loud and out of key.” I laughed at myself cause that’s exactly what I was doing singing horribly out of key.
I danced out of my room, and stopped dead in my tacks when I noticed lip imprints on the front of my bedroom door. Chills rolled up and down my spine remembering that those where Jason’s lips. I looked down at the floor and continued to the kitchen. I opened the cabinet and gazed at all the food. “I’m not hungry.” I said and walked outside on my porch taking in the much needed fresh air. “You would Kill for this just a little bit…wouldn’t you?!” I screamed. And I swear in the moment the clouds darkened.
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| Time to Sort Things Out |
[25 Apr 2005|03:44pm] |
Jason and I where walking down the hall to fifth period like we did everyday. I’d look up at his beautiful eyes, if I gave my self the chance I’d get lost in them. He looked over at me and asked, “what are you looking at?” Shyly I look away and say nothing. It was just something we did. As we neared the end of the hall where our classes took us our separate ways. He put my arms around his neck, and he put his arms around me and we hugged each other goodbye. Being in his arms, I felt so safe and everything going on around us didn’t matter. We pulled away from each other and began to walk in the opposite direction, When Jason yelled “Wait Nat, I have something for you.” He dug through his pockets. I watched as fuzz slowly fell to the floor. Finally he pulled out a neatly folded note. “Here,” he said “I wrote this and I forgot to give it to you.” I took the note and waved goodbye. I began to walk and I opened the note.
Hello Natalie, how are you. Well a lot has happened and I just wanted to get some things of my chest. I bet your wondering why I haven’t asked you out yet, Well its going to take a while to get over Amanda, and I hung out with this girl Jessica and I think I may like her. Don’t get me wrong I like you a lot and I care about you, but I just need time to sort things out.
-Jason
My heart sank like a stone in the sea. I stopped walking completely, re-reading the note hoping for somehow the words to re-align them selves. The bell rang, as other kids raced to their class room, I slowly struggled to my class. I felt indescribable, like a mixture of sadness, and confusion. I felt empty. When I got to my class the teacher didn’t even notice I had walked in late. I walked to my seat and felt the sudden urge to run into Jason arms, him rubbing the back of my neck assuring me everything would be ok. But who was I kidding, how could I compare to Jessica? I sat down and my mind slowly drifted into an abyss of emotional distress.
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| Note to self |
[23 Apr 2005|10:14am] |
I woke up, only to hear my little brother Travis crying. I dug my head back under my pillows to drown out his cries, but it was hopeless. Slowly I lifted my head and looked at the time. “9:48,” I said rubbing my eyes. As a stumbled out of bed to the bathroom I caught I glimpse of myself in the mirror and stopped. Rubbing my eyes again I noticed my makeup smeared down my cheeks in lines of tears. As I wiped my makeup off with my fingers, Travis walked over and hugged my leg, his face was a little red from crying. I picked him up, brought him in to the kitchen and gave him his juice. As he meandered off, the phone rang.
“Hello” I managed to get out, my throat was still dry, I reached for a cup to pour some orange juice.
“Natalie!” It was Autumn and she was crying.
“Autumn? What’s wrong?” I asked
She sniffed “He’s going out with someone! Its like I wasn’t even anything special how could he do this he knew…I thought…”
“Calm down, Kyle? Is going out with who? I interrupted her.
She took a deep breath, “Yes, Kyle is going out with someone, I don’t know who though.” She stopped and cried for a second then gathered herself. “I mean what did I except, this hasn’t been the first time, and and and…” she said stuttering, “I should have seen this coming, what’s wrong with me?!”
“Nothing, nothing is wrong with you! Its ok, its going to be ok.” I said I poured the orange juice in the cup and took a few sips.
Autumn sighed “Well,” she said “It wouldn’t have worked out anyway he lives all the way up Hicksville you know.”
We both laughed, But I could tell Autumn was forcing out laughter.
We both didn’t say anything for a while. I pulled out a pen and a pad of paper and began doodling.
Finally Autumn managed some words “So what do I do now? He’s what I looked forward to, So what if we didn’t go to the same school and all odds where against us, he didn’t even try.”
“Well,” I said pausing to pick out the right words “You and I know long distance relationships don’t work so maybe this is preventing future heartbreak.”
“Natalie!” she screamed “I am heartbroken right now!”
There was silence again “I’m sorry” she said “I didn’t mean to explode like that its just that…” “I know” I said “Its ok.”
“Well I think I will be going now.” “OK, feel better.” I said. I hung up the phone and looked out the window, it was drizzling and foggy, all i could see was the out lines of trees.
Poor Autumn, nothing seemed to be going right. I shook my head and took another sip of orange juice. I looked down at the pad I’d been drawing on, it read,
Note to self I miss you terribly,
This is what we call a tragedy
Come back to me, back to me, to me.
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| Remembering a feeling |
[22 Apr 2005|03:57pm] |
I was standing against the wall, in the same spot, waiting for Autumn to walk to sixth period. When Autumn finally came I was surprised to see her smiling. Things haven’t been so great for her the past week, what with Kyle and everything. “Glad to see you happy.” I said smiling. “Yeah,” she sighed “I was re-reading something I wrote a while ago and it just made me laugh.” She paused looking down the hall “I miss Tyler,” she continued. I froze, then asked “My brother?” she laughed and responded “No, you know…” she stopped, she must have seen the tears welling up in my eyes because her smile quickly shifted to a frown. I didn’t know what was going on in my head, a mixture of anger, pain, heartbreak, regret and relief. Autumn was still looking at me with that same confused “are you ok?” look. Quickly I changed the subject, “Oh no, I better go, you know how Mr. Welsh gets when people are late and you..” She cut me off “Natalie, I’m sorry I thought,” she paused looking at the floor, “I mean I didn’t know you still felt..” “No,” I interrupted “I’m fine really I am but I really have to go.” I sped down the hall before she could say another word.
Fine? What was I thinking I’m not fine, I was everything but fine, I was a wreck. As I stormed down the hall the bell rang. “Shit” I said loudly, a near by teacher looked at me and she shook her head. I picked up my speed and walked in to the class. Everyone was looking at me. “Your late Ms. Moore, that’s three this month, you know what that means.” Mr. Welsh said, he said it like he was excited to give me detention, like it was a sick pleasure or something. “Yeah, detention.” I sighed. As slumped over to my seat, I felt nauseous I laid my head on the desk, ignoring the lesson and didn’t move the whole period.
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| Based on a true story |
[19 Apr 2005|03:49pm] |
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I stepped on the bus and saw Autumn in an empty seat, as I walked over to her she shot me a death look. I stopped waiting for her to say something but she just turned her head. “Can I sit here?” I asked. “If you want,” she paused looking around at the now almost full bus. “you don’t have to,” she continued. “I want to.” I said sitting down. She handed me our book and looked at the window without making any eye contact. “Ok what’s wrong,” I asked a little confused. Still looking down she said in a somewhat angry voice “I saw you guys kiss, and I don’t know what to think.” I took a deep breath and looked over at her. She was looking out the window, it was hot on the bus and there was a trickle of sweat running down her forehead. As she looked over at me she wiped it away. “I’m sorry” I quickly said. I knew sorry wouldn’t solve anything, but looking at my best friends face and seeing how much pain she was in, I just wish sorry could solve all heartbreak and frustration. She sighed and didn’t say anything. Why does the world have to be so cruel as to deprive a person of another who they care so strongly about? Autumn lifted her head and quietly said “I just wish he wasn’t so far away you know?” I nodded my head. “Its just that for once, just once I found someone” she continued “ but no, he lives like 3 hours away, It just hurts so much, and you know I want Jason to be happy, and if that’s with you that’s great cause you’re my best friend.” There was silence. Autumn had liked Jason for sometime and he happened to like me. Jason and I weren’t going out yet but, there was a good chance. My boyfriend and I had just broken up a few weeks ago, and I still couldn’t get over that fact, I missed him. The bus engine started up, and we began to move, Autumn not saying another word.
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| Beautiful Night |
[18 Apr 2005|05:56pm] |
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It was now twelve minutes past eleven. Eleven, the time he was supposed to meet me, at our spot. He was never late…if anything I was the late one. He was always prompt and on time. I kicked a rock and listened to it skip along the dusty road. No foot steps to be heard, where could he be? The moon was almost full, and it glistened against the sliver lake. There was a cool breeze that blew my hair in my face but other than that it was a beautiful night. Fifteen minutes late, I felt my palms getting sweaty in my sweatshirt pockets and my eyes began to water from the wind, I looked down the road, no one. Slowly I turned around sensing someone else. And there he was. A sigh of relief crept over me. Something was different about him. But I tried not to notice. We kissed hello and the moonlight reflected against his blue eyes almost mystifying me. Slowing our hands came together in a locked position. Chills went all through my body a rush of intense emotions but in my heart everything felt right.
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